badrabbyt

i did close to nothing today. i blame this on the rather hot weather that suddenly - seriously, within a 15-minute space - turned into cold, heavy rain. i knitted, i watched carnivale. i totally missed a music thingy i wanted to attend by oversleeping. so... i have pictures! woot!

but before the pictures, i thought i'd mention something that has next to nothing to do with anything. see, i used to be the one that talked a lot at work. i could talk to anyone about anything. and then, i got tired of the sound of my own voice. i'm sure that's happened to someone other than me. you feel like other people aren't contributing, and maybe you should just shut up. so, up i did shut, and... well, it's been really quiet around here. i think i shut up about thre or four months ago, and no one has bothered to speak up. not to ask if anything was wrong, or to tell me stuff about their lives. so, aparently i've been bugging people that whole time. and now, when someone does talk to me, i tend to not respond. i'm tired of being their entertainment. and i'm tired of the sound of my own voice. like i said, nothing to do with anything, really. but... i found it interesting. that people can be so passive. it's a lesson for me, anyway.

so... pictures!

this is from hawaii. and yeah... i know i said i wouldn't bore you with pictures from my vacation. but dude... jellyfish, yo! and jellyfish that look like they kinda swallowed a skull or something. 

sea turtles! i snorkled near them! oh man... just the coolest ever.

some random beach. it's on the northish side of maui.

last thing i'll make you look at in relation to hawaii. this is what the sky looks like when you're laying on the beach at kapalua. if you were curious.

now for local random pictures:

half a face. i would like to have a picture of my head coming out the nose. i think it'd be funny.

et never went home. he just started lobbying for renewable energy.

uh... i was just in the bathroom, and my forehead did not look this big. and i don't usually look that evil, either. oh, and there's moi on the left.

drunken soda fountain, anyone? moi and YMCrae sharing what's called a chi chi. i just went looking for the recipie, and my browser shut down. so... it's like a pina colada, but with vodka.

otis is not my dog. but he does look odd enough for the part, does he not? he looks like a picasso painting.

the three queens. not drag queens. and before i cropped this, my chest looked like it was ready to take over new york. and it's rather blurry. or maybe i should just wear my glasses.

and... i thought i had a few more, but they are not to be found. thanks for stopping by. don't be passive. which is kind of the blind leading the blind here, but i'll try if you will.

so, hey. i'm not sure which one of you got here by googling 'elephant porn', but i hope you're not breeding. actually, what i really hope is that you're not abusing yourself to... uh... pictures of fornicating elephants. not that i want to know...

i should just stop there.

so, in an effort to make myself even more of a dork, i think i may have located a place within an hour of my house that will teach me how to make yarn. i mean, i know how to buy it and crap, and i know how to knit and crochet, which makes me a dork of an elite order. an uber-dork or something. and i've seen a demonstration of how yarn is made from the fleecy bits of sheep and whatnot. it looks really cool. but then again, i think turning a heel and shaping a neckline are also pretty cool. anyway... spinning yarn. i may have hook-up on lessons. i've emailed them, and i hope they respond. one of their classes starts next week. man... i really want to learn how to make yarn.

YMCrae and i may be going to a crafting event! maybe two! talks need to happen, i'm sure. more details as that gets happening.

before i switch gears... i've been knitting and reading. and sleeping. i'm not sure what's going on with me, but i slept all day tuesday. seriously - i went to bed at 10 in the morning, and i finally was able to stay awake longer than five minutes around 8:30 pm. considering that i normally sleep about four to six hours, that's a massive chunk of time. oh, and i finished season one of carnivale. i'm kinda hooked. i picked up season two before work tonight. man, i love me some library.

which brings me to books. i'm kinda scattered in terms of what i've been reading. and this is not a comprehensive list. but, summer is in the air and stuff, and most people go to the beach and read. or, the park and read. or, if you're me... you go to hawaii and knit wool socks.

i mentioned i'm a dork, yeah?

the intellectual devotional - this is not the sort of book you read all at once. it's got a page per day, and you learn some cool stuff. i think last week, i read about the venus de milo statue, as well as music theory and a brief biography of plato. seriously. i know that usually, a devotional has religious text, and a little religious revving of your spiritual engine. i don't roll that way. this is much more interesting. each day of the week is dedicated to a specific topic. sundays are about religion - der - and fridays are about music. that's all i can remember off the top of my head. anyway, it's cool.

everything that rises must converge - man, miz o'connor is one of my favorite authors of all-freaking-time. seriously. her short stories are amazingly brutal. not in a slasher movie kind of way, but in a violent twist kind of way. nothing is at it seems. and i love that cover. it really suits the book.

the perks of being a wallflower - it's a languid story told via letters from a teenager named charlie. he's just started high school. his voice is passive and passionate all at once. it's about growing up. i'm not sure if it's on the level of catcher in the rye, but it's close. it's nearby. they ride the same bus to school. whatever.

catcher in the rye - i reread it recently, so i'm totally counting it. if you weren't forced to read this in high school, you should do so now. it's a skinny book, and it won't take long for you to read. but it's totally worth it. and if you read it in high school, maybe you should read it again. i think i liked it better the second time around.

don't know much about history - i'm intrugued by books of this ilk. and, this is my audiobook, to listen to while i'm doing paperwork at my job at some ungodly hour. so far, it's interesting. i've only just started it, so i'm not sure if i should say yay or nay. but it's easy-to-digest history, and i can totally get behind that.

zodiac - my dad loaned me this one, and zodiac unmasked. i don't usually read true crime books, but i had said i might want to see the movie they made, and he handed over these books. the unmasked book is kind of a rehash of this one, with more focus on this one suspect. and since i know so little about the actual mass murderer (i was born in 1976, so this stuff is a bit before my time), i don't know if any of this was resolved. so, don't tell me. it's interesting if you don't know jack about the real events. and if, like me, you can't just walk into a movie based on real events without some kind of background. or... if it's a book based on the movie, i have to read that first. anyway... not a great book, this one. but sorta interesting. and creepy.

and, stuff i haven't read but i totally plan to:

the life and times of the thunderbolt kid - this is actually on its way to my house right now. i love bill bryson. he's funny, intelligent, and silghtly daffy. bumbling, is how he portrays himself at times. anyway, i've loved everything i've read by him, and i see no reason why this will be any different. i'll keep y'all posted.

a thousand splendid suns - i read the kite runner (okay, i rented the audiobook from the library. it still counts), and i really enjoyed it. over at powell's website, they give you a good idea of what it's about. i just really liked the way the author crafted the first book, and i'm curious if this one will be on par. i do hope so.

last time, i mentioned that z may have started drinking again. i have not talked to her about it yet, but i did see and talk to her briefly monday afternoon. she said something that i say a lot - omission is just as bad as lying - so, it kind of threw me off. perhaps she is hiding something, and perhaps my source is making it sound worse than it is. things are crazy insane at the house, evenly divided between issues with dude's family and issues with her ex and custody and court - his felony court case has been pushed back again to november, so this might maybe push her custody date back as well - so conditions have been less than optimal.

so! i have another cheery tale for you. thursday morning, my mom calls me. since my mom and i seldom talk in the morning, i immediately worry. my maternal grandfather has the cancer, and is going through chemo, and sometimes she hears things before i do. so, when she says my grandfather died, i panic. don't panic, she says. it's your dad's dad. when was this, i ask. june ninth, she says. now, i'm sure you all just glanced at a calendar, just like i did. because that was nearly two weeks ago. um, i say. she then tells me she just got a note in the mail, from one of my aunts, saying that he had died peacefully, with the family around him, and they just thought we'd like to know. she says the note was written a few days ago. now, i'm royally upset. but maybe there should be a bit of background.

about a thousand years ago, my english dad married a woman of irish descent. in general terms, the history between the english and the irish is not happy and shiny. while most english don't hate the irish, and vice versa, there are pockets of tards. one of which is my paternal grandmother, who hates my mom because her family is, as she has said, "the niggers of europe." i'm not kidding. anyway, i'm the oldest granddaughter, and she has always made it clear that i'm her least favorite. my dad had enough when i was around 14, and when we moved to northern california, he cut off contact with his family. i talk to the youngest of his sisters, who is about four years older than me, but we kind of lost touch a few years ago. we're not close with my dad's family, to say the least.

my grandfather was really cool. he was an awesome cook, and he always treated everyone fairly. i once saw him cut the head off a chicken, and it still kind of trotted around before it died. it creeped me out, but it was interesting. he called me after the first time i had cancer, to make sure i was still full of piss and vinegar, as he said. he was an all-around decent guy, and he had amazing stories to tell.

and i would have liked very much to say goodbye.

almost all of my dad's family lives about 90 minutes from me. which i didn't know, because i haven't heard from anyone in at least three years. my mom told me where the note was postmarked from (olympia, washington), and i became a little unhinged. i mean - i liked my grandfather. and even if i didn't, i sure woulda liked the option of being able to pay my respects to the man. i'm pretty sure they already had the funeral service, and i'm pretty sure they waited until after the service to let us know. i don't expect i'll be notified at all. it just makes me so damn angry.

so, i plan to write to my dad's family and let them know exactly how i feel about all this. while i don't understand why my paternal grandmother hates me, i am still her family. she has transferred this hate to two of her three daughters, and who knows how many of my cousins. actually, i'm not sure how many of them remember me. maybe they don't. maybe they're told that my dad died in the vietnam war or something.

anyway, i'm a little pissed. i want to know where he's buried, so i can... i don't know. say something.

now to switch gears rapidly, some pictures:

YMCrae's glovelet. and it fits! it's also now finished, and i've started its partner. and, in real life it's a little more in focus.

my new favorite coffee cup. also the smallest, since it holds about 8 ounces. most of my coffee cups hold 16-20 ounces. i may have a problem.

while moi was here - she ran away monday evening - YMCrae, moi and myself went to the bestest pedicure place ever and all got the same damn thing. i think i'm hooked on the french tip pedicure.

and, for the record? i never thought i'd be the kind of person that gets a pedicure. i'm not high maintenance; i rarely wear makeup. i'm just not the stereotype. i know how to paint my own nails, thank you verra much. but, it's kinda nice to have someone else do it. plus, the place had massage chairs. i almost fell asleep in mine. if you're curious, my foot is the one that looks like it just got back from hawaii.

i still have a tan. i smile just thinking that.

thursday afternoon, YMCrae and i were walking otis - her dog, by the way. not mine - and we saw a bunch of trees in pots. the sign said free. so, i took one. and it went to work with me. it's sticking out my back window there. and you can't tell, but it is wearing its seatbelt. safety first, i always say.

oh, yeah. this is serrano, pinned to cardboard and a towel in the garage. i'm halfway through one sleeve. this will totally be done soon, and i'm so excited to wear it!

does this dog look like it's wearing eyeliner, or is it just me? little goth dog, i say.

and, that's all for now. thanks for stopping by.

... just in a different direction. finally, otis has a myspace. which has nothing to do with anything else here.

and i'm feeling... off. i found out something i kinda already expected, at least in the back of my mind. and i'm kinda trying to figure out the best plan of action. i'm so mad, and now i'm starting to get depressed.

z - she of the 'clean and sober' household, she of the longest clean time amongst her addict friends - has started drinking again. and trying to hide it from me. court is coming up, and i'm worried this will impact her custody hearing. i'm not sure how well she hides it  - at home, she just shuts herself in her room - but... this is not good. i almost want to call zima and tell her. largely because z has been going to zima's unoccupied house down the street and drinking there. you know, when she's not at the bar or the strip club. apparently, this has been going on since we returned from hawaii.

part of me wants to ignore it. part of me wants to cry and break things. yet another part of me wants her to get her kids and go, so i can move without worry, into zima's or maybe YMCrae's (it's been discussed). part of me really wants to throw this in her face. just yell at her until she sees reason. while i'm agitated that she's drinking, i'm more upset that she thinks i don't know. i mean... i didn't officially know, but i suspected something was horribly awry. and this makes total sense. the drinking thing is weird. i mean, several of her friends from her group of clean friends have decided that it wasn't alcohol they had a problem with, it was those other drugs. so, they drink but don't do the drugs. which seems pretty dangerous to me. and, while i've known her, z has gone from agreeing that 'addicts are always addicts' to 'i'm cured'.

i'm not an addict, unless we're going to count yarn. if i talk to her about this, i fear having this fact thrown in my face. i'm really worried she's going to do something even worse. i'm further worried about her not getting her kids, then just sliding into... uh. i'm stopping there.

i really did have some good things to say, to lighten up things around here. i've become a moody little bastard. i have pictures, but i don't have that computer available.

mostly, i'm freaked out that, once again, i live with someone who's sliding into a dark pit. i'm really worried i can't help her. or that she'll shun me. i'm pretty sure this didn't happen because of me, but... well, i'm a part of her life. i thought i was her best friend. if she's hiding things like this from me, how close are we really? was this entire relationship a lie?

i'm going to go eat some soup now. i actually have more bad news, but this is what's eating at me right now.

thanks for stopping by.

so, i've just spent a frustrating hour trying to set up a myspace account for YMCrae's dog, otis redding. myspace says he's invalid.

whatever, dude. he's totally valid.

so, go read that last post. it's important. and i finally have pictures. but not enough time to show them all, because myspace thinks otis is invalid.

grrr.

i mean, look at him.

look at moi riding him.

look at my red hair.

look at the sun.

look at me bolt. thanks for stpping by.

you know that phrase, talking behind your back, right? i've never really understood that. i mean, what's behind your back? in a physical sense, you face is. so, to talk behind someone's back would be to physically talk in front of their face.

really, now.

i was thinking about this on my way to work. not about me talking about people when they're not around, or them talking about me when i'm not around. but rather, what kind of person am i? would i be the person that smack talks about a friend, only to be ingratiating and nice while they're around? hm. i have talked about people when they're not present. of course i have - i'm a girl, for pete's sake. and i'm opinionated. but when i do it, i'm largely looking for feedback. aside from the catty comments i let fly about how complete strangers are dressed, i'm interested in airing out my issue to see if i'm the only one that feels this. it's like... say you order dinner somewhere, and when you tuck into it, it tastes kinda off. not spoiled or anything, just not right. and you say to your companion, try this. what do you think? you're usually interested in knowing - is it you and your own personal tastebuds, or is something truly not right? you don't want to be a crabby customer over nothing. but you don't want to eat bad food. so, i hope i'm not the person that smack talks when others aren't around. and yeah, i'm not entirely sure.

see... well, okay. i can't talk for everyone, obviously. but the things i say about a person when they're not around are things i would have no problem repeating to them later. at least, that's what i aim for. i do try to be a nice person. and i sense some of you will snicker when you read that. i've made it clear a few times that i'm not a nice person. but mostly, i aspire. i try. sometimes i acheive. but i don't always hit the target, so to speak. i am human, and flawed in a vast array of ways. i mean, jesus - i have pimples on my ass. not this second. but, you know, sometimes.

uh... anyway.

i have these... moments. where i can be in a room of friends and still feel cold and alone. and then i start to think about maybe why this is happening to me. the cold feeling, the sheer fear of people, the terror that attacks me while trying to make new human connections. this is the broad strokes paragraph, so just bear with me. i know why, in general, i have these feelings. i try to overcome them. sometimes i win, sometimes i lose. sometimes i have good humor about losing, and sometimes i have one of those little black clouds over my head for days. that's just how crazy rolls around here, i guess. but... well, have you ever felt like that? when you're not alone, but you're totally alone? i know i'm not the only one. but my thoughts crowd in - the ones i don't give voice to much anymore - and i get sucked into... uh... the jello of discontent or something. i decided that, as long as i was careful, i was less likely to be hurt in a drastic way. i don't mind the emotional hurt, really. as i said a few days ago, you have to open yourself up to people, otherwise no one and nothing really affects you. and yeah, you can totally get hurt doing that. but, you can also feel real joy in the presence of others. i've tried to be selective to the point of snobbish when it comes to picking my friends. and still i don't always make good choices. but i'm trying. that's what counts, right?

while i'm not perfect, i try to be a good person. i may never get there. i used to be a vicious bitch. and while i was excising a lot of venom, i wasn't feeling good about it. i'm still a bitch at times, and i will always have the complete set of bitch bones in my body. but... i really do try. and it really makes me angry, and feel really hurt, when i feel like i'm being trampled on. so much so that my inner bitch rises to the surface to sink her venon injectors into the offensive party. i'm not really thinking about a particular event here, or a particular person. but lately, i find myself choosing my words with care. not carefully, but i'm trying to look at things from perspective other than my own. i'm gonna call that evolution and roll with it.

there's no neat, tidy ending to all of this. sorry. i needed to address this, i think, so there it is. maybe someone out there needed to read this, so there it is again. take it or leave it. i'm a work in progress, and i will never be perfect. that doesn't mean i give up. it just means i'm aware of limitaitons, and i try to overcome them. but i'm not going to kill myself if i don't.

and... behind your back is your face. remember that. as usual, thanks for stopping by. i always mean it.

it's true. and i have no evidence to support my claim.

in light of that, i probably won't be funny today. you know, to prove a point or some such crap. actually, since i was a lazy ass earlier and did not upload photos (one of which is a very blurry cat running at me while i was lying in the hallway, laughing my ass off, on monday), i will be tying up a few loose ends. not like i leave cliffhangers... uh... hanging about or anything. but just because i have this habit of introducing a subject, talking to someone else about it, then kind of forgetting i might have brought it up over here.

i talked to z tuesday afternoon. and while not everything is perfect betwixt us, i am not feeling like i have the plague. since we've been back from hawaii, she's taken to going into her room and closing her door. for, like, the rest of the day. she'll come home from work, go in there, and not come out until she has to go to work again. or she needs to smoke. and, it's not like it's just me and her in this house. z dog still lives with us. and she's been sorta ignoring him, too. so, we talked about some stuff. none of which has to do with me. so, that's good to know. now i can go back to my plan of letting off air horns in the wee hours of the mornings.

i actually just like the idea of air horns.

i mentioned my lump, on my hip, right? it was forever ago, yes. and i've yet to call my doc and make an appointment. it's not like i'm afraid of what it could be. i'm actually a creepy patient to have, because i'm usually like, cut that crap right out of me. do it now. i think i have scissors in my bag. surgery doesn't scare me, nor does chemotherapy. i'm sure that has to do with having been on the surgery merry-go-round a few times. i will be making an appointment later today, i hope. i've just been putting it off for various reasons. first, i had the cold where the snot leaked out my eyes. and i did stop by my doc's office. but that was so she could tell me what i already knew - i didn't have conjuctivitis. you know, the pinkeye. and then, i... was bloated or something. and now, i think i'm developing a rash. so, i should totally go to the doctor. because i have a lump, athlete's foot from working out and showering at the gym (i straight up refuse to shower while wearing shoes. i just can't do it. so, i've got foot itch), and itchy hands and legs.

i only sorta hope i'm contagious. i dislike being touched in the doctor's waiting room.

i think i brought up how, at work, they were all atwitter about layoff, yeah? at first, there was this big meeting, and everyone was all, awwwwww that sucks. then we had another meeting, where everyone was told it wasn't them that was on the chopping block. and people calmed down. then i went on vacation, and the axe fell. i came back, and six people were told, hey... uh... how attached are you to your job description? i mean, they all get to work other places in the same company, so no one technically lost their job. but that stress/ relax/ oh crap thingy kinda sucked. i still feel nothing about that. really, now... i was almost wanting it to be me. i can totally get a new job in another department, and possibly quicker than the others that did get the news.

anyway, just wanted to share that.

school is in a holding pattern. i'm filling out yet another application, and waiting for the head of the needle people to tell me what my letters of reference need to say. this stuff isn't due until the first week of august, but i'd feel a lot better if i could have it all done, like, now. i am heartened by the fact that, since the application period is so very close to the start of the program, that that means they take most of the people that apply. which is totally weak logic, but that's what i choose to roll with.

my underwear today has penguins on it. if you're curious.

my living situation is also in a holding pattern. z goes to court mid-july, so maybe i'll know something then. i considered having the 'official' talk with zima, about moving into her house after z runs away, but it may be best to wait and watch what happens with court. yeah, i can get my own digs. but, i would prefer cheap rent while in school. and - this is going to sound uber-retarded - i don't like the idea of leaving my cat alone at night. working the graveyard is okay, but only if you live with other people. living by yourself, you invite all kids of weirdness. like, people noticing your car is gone at night, so maybe they can break in and rape your cat.

i'm just saying, is all.

yes, well... as the title suggests, i have the short attention span on today. which means... a lot to say about a lot of little subjects. and when was the last time i put up a list? it's been too long. and to distract you from the shocking lack of photos, i bring forth the list:

• dyed my hair this weekend - that's the big news. it's a temporary dye, so it should go away in 28 shampoos or so. thus far, i've washed my hair twice, so we've got 26 to go. the whole idea of temporary hair dye fascinates me. it seems king of like you're encasing your head in mud - attractive mud, to be sure - and then it gradually fades away. the box called this color 'blackberry'. so... yeah. reddish blackish. i have decided that red hair suits me best. apparently, my hair is naturally the brownish blondish stuff you see in the picture up over yonder. while the red makes me look uber-pale, it does make the blue of my eyes stand out in a freakish manner. and i'm all about freakish. pictures to follow, to be sure.
• finally made progress YMCrae's birthday present - about a thousand years ago (okay, it was january of this year) YMCrae had a birthday. and i agreed to make her a pair of fingerless mitts for her birthday. there are a lot of reasons as to why she hasn't received them yet, but mainly: #1 - i had school to contend with; and #2 - i'm lazy. i have started her glovlets, which i think is what i'm calling them from now on, at least five times. and each time, i've ripped them back. they're too big, too small, they look like ass... the list goes on. sunday, i whipped out nearly an entire glovlet. in like, two hours or something. and then i realized - i may not have enough yarn of this color for the other glovlet. so... i might have to visit the yarn shop. oh, darn.
• my sock kung fu is on vacation... - saturday morning, i finished the sock i've been working on. and tried it on. and realized two things: it's too long in the foot, and not wide enough in the calf. so, i had to rip that back, also, right to where i started to screw up. here's the thing with these socks - they're being knitted from the toe up. so, i shoulda known that the foot region was too long. i'm not sure why this didn't occur to me. i tried them on, and they were a bit loose. but i just figured it was the mark of an unfinished sock. because i'm a dolt. so, i think i left my sock kung fu in hawaii, which is where i started these socks. but, i know what i'm doing now. and i've made notes on how to correct my mistakes. yay! maybe i learned some stuff!
• ...but my lace kung fu is on target! - again, eons ago i started the serrano cardigan. and i love it. i even love the way the yarn smells (merino wool is kind of like caviar. but it smells better). and i finished the main body last month. while working on one of the sleeves this weekend, i realized that i should block the body now, because i don't have the space to block everything at once. for the eleventy billion of you that don't knit... you're silly. but blocking involves a wash in special soapy stuff for your finished product, and sometimes a pinning down of said finished object to whip it into a certain shape. it also makes lacy stuff look more like lace and less like knitting with a bunch of holes. anyway... blocked the body. working on the first of the sleeves. looking forward to getting to wear this damn thing before the end of the year.
• remember the pink? - last year, i inherited an assload of acrylic yarn from soomeone. and most of it, i gifted to a nursing home. some of it, i kept, thinking i could make it less heinous by knitting it up into something cool. the stuff i kept... well, it's the color of pepto bismol. and originally, it was going to be a shrug. but since i hated it before it was finished, i dediced to make this instead. and i finished one sleeve. this year, i found the second sleeve in my yarn basket (i'm pretty sure there's a doorway to narnia in that basket) and remembered i was supposed to make something. so, i went back to work on it. now, all the parts are finished, and i'm joining them and working the shoulders. i do hope i have enough yarn to make the hood. because i'm not ripping anything else back, dammit.
• beyonce scares the crap outta me - okay, i go to the gym, yeah? and they have the little video screens in the treadmills and whatnot. so, i watch mtv and crap while i'm sweating my ass off. and i say this video, by beyonce, called... uh... irreplaceable? yeah, that's it. you can watch it here; it's the second option. anyway... so, i was listening to the lyrics of this song. and... uh... okay. does no one else believe in love, except me? in the song, she's talking about how her guy cheated on her, and she's telling him she can find a replacement for him with a snap of her fingers. now, i get that this is supposed to be an empowered woman. i'm not a total idiot. and i get that she's not going to let this jerk hurt her, or see her cry. but the underlying messages here? that she lives her life without letting anyone truly insider her heart, or her head, or whatever you want to call it. her existence is so cold... to be the person that says what she says in the song, and actually mean it? everything is superficial. no relationship really affects her, because she doesn't allow anyone past all the walls she's built up to protect herself. so, she'll never really feel love, because she never puts anything of herself into any relationship. yes, she might get hurt. but that's the risk you take when looking for someone to share your life with. or... maybe i'm just a hopeless romantic. i know damn well that anyone can hurt me. but if i want to have meaningful relations with people, romantic or otherwise, i have to let people in. otherwise... i'll end up like z. a cold woman that intentionally didn't marry for love, so that he couldn't hurt her. it's just sad.
• i totally love the library - it's true. it originally started with sex and the city, which i just recently realized only has six seasons, when i swear it had seven. yeah, a slightly vapid show. but fun to watch. it's the series version of cotton candy. then, of course, was six feet under and oz; shows i've seen and loved, and only recently have i seen the final episodes of both series'. i have fallen head over heels for carnivale. i got the whole first season from the library. i do use the library for books and audiobooks, and the usual stuff. but since i don't really watch a lot of telly, it's kind of nice to get into a television show, and watch a whole season at a time.
• dude! visitors! - just the one, really. moi is coming in a few short days. i'm so very thrilled! she'll be here for a week, and we have a few things to take care of while she's here. some thing you can't do over the interwebs.

and that's what's going on ovah here. thanks for stopping by.

i may have said this to my boss this week. like, you seriously want that done now? like, right now? like, in this ever-fleeting moment? she gave me the look - the look of someone that has dealt with me for longer than a year - and walked away.

i think i may have gotten whatever the hell it was, done. maybe.

so, anyway... moi gets here tuesday. very thrilled about that. YMCrae leaves on friday, not too thrilled about that. but, she's coming back. and well she better. i think we have some mayhem to attend to, as we're below our quota. z dog may or may not be leaving on friday as well, but for a different location. which, of course, i'll discuss because it relates to the weirdness of my living situation.

oh, and i replaced a toilet seat at home. i didn't take pictures, although having a post called potty talk does make me smile. replacing toilet seats is really easy. that is, once you figure out where z dog has hidden all the screwdrivers.

grrr.

uh... last weekend, z dog went to see his dad. which he so seldom gets to do, because there's a serious power struggle going on between the parents. i used to think it was just that bastard of an ex-husband, but the more i witness... total power struggle. and there was some kind of issue involving transportation, and a garbled voicemail message. the cliff notes version is - z assumed her son would be on a certain bus, and when he was not on said bus, she panicked and flew into emergency mode. which involved calling all sorts of various folks, only to have z dog walk through the door after being dropped off by the ex-husband. there was some kind of hostile discussion, and i came in at the tail end of it, after running errands and grocery shopping.

i'm sure you've done this. you live with... well, anyone, really. family, friends, what-have-you. and you walk into the room, or the house, and there's a silence? the big, uncomfortable silence? where you know - just know - that there was a big ole argument happening not two seconds earlier? and no one talks, until you leave? i walked into that, with groceries. in our kitchen. so, there's no way i can leave right away. some of the foodstuff is perishable. z dog and z are staring at each other, not saying a word, just radiating stress, and i'm putting away lunch meat. finally, he bolts and i vaguely ask if everything's okay. which is when i hear the saga of the lastest indignity she's had to suffer.

her custody court date is around the 18th of july. and honestly... it can't get here soon enough. the sooner this is done with, the sooner she can move to california - which a whole new issue, lemme tell ya - and the sooner i can... uh... stop worrying about when the house i live for is going back on the market.

i'm not a fan of that level of uncertainy. not knowing what the crush thinks of me - i can totally handle that. not knowing if my address will change this summer - i don't want to handle that. i don't like big things that are out of my control. like gas trucks on the freeway... you know?

oh yeah... so, z was also telling me about how, when she moves to california after she gets her kids (this is totally a chickens-before-they-hatch thing, but... well, the ex-husband had better be going to jail soon), she's moving in with her mom for a while. i ask, why don't you live with your husband? i mean, that's one of the big reasons she's going back to cali. and she says... he lives with his parents (to be fair, he sort of takes financial care of them), and there's just no room for her and her kids. plus, she says, i can't live in a house decorated like that. i don't quite get this. she's moving because she's tired of this long-distance thing (her exact words were far more carnal, but y'all get the gist, i'm sure), and he'll never get transferred up here. so they're going to maybe buy a house in the bay area. which they still can't afford, which was the original reason they bought a house in oregon.

my life is rife with uncertainty, i tell you. although... i said i was applying to play with needles a while back? they require two letter of recommendation from my employer. and my employer is not in the habit of giving out references. so, i emailed my boss lady and said... uh, can you possibly bend the rules for me, because it's technically not a reference, and i'd like to get off graveyard sometime this decade? she confers with her boss - a guy i was pretty sure dislikes me. just because he usually has a look on his face - one of having smelled something really foul - when he sees me. apparently, that's just his morning face. he emailed me and said something like, silly girl, i'd be happy to help! the subtext i added while talking to my boss later was, anything to get you out of my graying hair, you crazy wench.

so, it's not all uncertain around here. just very, very gray.

not that this has anything to do with anything, but... have you ever reached the point with someone where the sound of them breathing makes every cell in your body shiver and cringe? their laugh is like fingernails on a blackboard? and you get uber-irritated when you hear things come out of their mouth that you normally say? this is not my home life, or any of my friends. but i noticed a few days ago that i'd like to smack the person in question. and for no real reason.

cecil has taken my baseball bat, just to be safe. and that's all i got for today's indignities. thanks for stopping by.

first, that body worlds exhibit thing i went to tuesday morning? amazing. and just a bit creepy. i mean - yeah, they're dead people. posed to give you a good look at what you look like sans skin. so, that's kind of odd. but, while i was totally fascinated by it all... their eyes are creepy. they have taxidermy eyes (eyes do not keep well, i tell you. and these are too shiny to be real), which will forever creep me out. it's not like i had a traumatic experience involving taxidermy eyes, or a museum exhibit or something. i just don't like them.

cecil went with me. and he lasted about 45 minutes. he told me we were done when he saw the sliced open penis. dissected north to south, if you get my meaning. and still attached to a body. but... well, we still have another set of tickets. he has to go again. he said later that it was just startling, and now that he knows it's there, he'll be okay.

so guys - there's a sliced wang attached to one of the bodies. fair warning.

and further... it was tuesday morning, and the place was pretty packed. z bought tickets for a saturday, and i'm a little afraid of what kind of madhouse the place will be. now, i try to be unobtrusive. but i have a hard time appreciating things when other people are making crass jokes. seriously, grow the hell up. i have issues, yes. but when people are being so juvenile (that one had a small penis, that one has a dirty anus... i'm not kidding. just retarded behavior), i just want to smack them. so, i tried to stay away from other people. which is hard in a crowd.

but the best thing ever? they had a kid's t-shirt in the gift shop. the blood circulation... of a rabbit. cecil bought it for me. i hope it fits. pictures to come, i promise.

and yeah, i have pictures this time, too. and, after two years of blogging, i figured out how to make them full-size. rock on!

the indignity of being my cat. she loves to suck up the remnants from the tuna tin (it's dolphin safe, so chill), and i rather like making her look idiotic.

seriously. this is payback for all her noxious flatulence.

i'm not sure if she knows that's the wrong side for manifesto writing.

i may have mentioned that, while in hawai, i finished my monkey socks. man, they are so badass!

my calves look rather nice here. i have ginormous calves. they're not fat, just really muscular. and i dig these socks. so much, in fact, that i worry about wearing them. because that means they're closer to being worn out. however, they are wool, so they may sit in the waaaay ful sock drawer for a few months. and... you can see the cuff of my gnome pants. shexy is how we roll.

baudelaire, possibly misspeled. these, i'm excited about. usually, i knit socks from the top down. these are from the toe up. and that picture? taken shortly after i departed the plane. i'm quite the fidgeter. so, i was quite productive on the plane.

as long as i'm rolling with the yarn porn...

i arrived maybe 15 minutes late at the book reading on friday evening. and this was as close as i got to the harlot:

i had to hold the camera up over my head and hope for the best, just to get that. and as i already mentioned, i chickened out while having my books signed, and failed to get a close-up. someday... i'll be a real person that doesn't over-analyze every move. someday.

finally, the best nap ever.

thanks for stopping by.