badrabbyt - ranting_about_nothing_really

could i get less organized, perhaps?

noreply@blogspirit.com (bladwin) — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 03:45:00 -0700

so...

see, this is why i dislike taking long-ish breaks from the blog. sure, it was a good little mini-break, and i feel vaguely refreshed and all. but, i do tend to forget what i've said and not said. which further makes me feel like i'm my mom, with the not-remembering and all.

most recently, my car is on its last little legs. it's been having a hard time holding its water as of late, and wednesday night last week, it scared the holy hell out of me while i was driving to work. there was noise, and smoke, and the threat of overheating. all of which i dealt with reasonably well (this means i used very little bad language, and was constantly giving pep talks to my car. it's a good thing i don't carpool, y'all). when i took it to my wonderful mechanic, he told me to just buy a new car, because it made better financial sense to put down what he was going to have to charge me on something that looked and sounded better. that's the cliff notes version, and... well, this man would not lie to me. i've had my geo - named princess palindrome because the front pretty much looks the same as the back - since 1999. it's a '95, and it gets great mileage. i've held onto it primarily for this reason. after having a large van piloted by an old, drunk bastard backed up onto the hood of my car a few years back, i've been a bit embarrassed about its physical appearance. but it still ran fabulously, and i just referred to the body damage as my 'anti-theft device'. but now... my baby is making some weird noises, and losing water whenever she damn well feels like it. and, my mechanic tells me someone must have hit my car in a parking lot or something, because there's more body damage. and, he says, they didn't leave a note or anything because they were pretty sure i wouldn't notice.

and i kinda didn't. i mean, i noticed, but i just thought i wasn't paying attention and the dent had been there for awhile.

anyway... i am sorta on the hunt for a new car. and i think i may have found what i want, and i've dealt with a so-far nice car dealer. but i'm not talking about all that until i have something to talk about. my princess is still drivable. but only for short distances. so, z has offered to switch cars with me, until i get my wheels under control. it's really very nice of her, and i appreciate it to no end. but... her ca's an automatic. i hate automatics. i don't trust an engine that shifts on its own, is all. still, i'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth or anything, and i drove her car to work tonight. once i got here, i realized a few things: my ID badge, which i need to get into the buildings at night, is in my car, in my driveway. along with the key to my locker, and my gym membership card. i was less than pleased.

also, i had to bang on a few windows to get someone to let me in, and i got that sour you're-not-prepared look from a few co-workers. well, screw them. i'm disheveled, and i keep trying to shift. and it's a station wagon. argh.

in brighter news, i finished a few knitting projects, which always makes me happy. i saw a great movie, talk to me, which i highly recommend. i discovered one more reason i love YMCrae - during the previews of talk to me, we saw a quick second of an interview with milla jovovich, and dudes... they're making another resident evil! both of us made that inhaling noise that girls make when they see something bright and shiny. i'm so excited! i love resident evil. and so does she! rock!

in a few days, i get to get on a plane - really a giant suppository with wings, if you ask me - to go visit moi. i'm so very thrilled! and i'm not packed yet. but that's okay. i do rather love airports. i don't like getting on the plane, because it means i have to stay in one cramped place for a while. but the airport is nice. there's all that possibility, and people are usually happy at the airport. except for babies. babies hate the airport. and they hate landing patterns.

just saying. thanks for stopping by. i need to eat something.

(oh - blue corn is not real food. carry on.)

here's what i think

noreply@blogspirit.com (bladwin) — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 22:00:00 -0700

i really like fruit. especially berries. which has nothing to do with anything right now.

see, i keep telling people to comment. and so few people actually comment. do it or not, whatever. i'd love to hear what you think about what i say. i keep telling y'all - i'd really like this to be a conversation. which means, i say stuff, you comment, i comment back. if you're not prepared for me to have a response, then maybe you shouldn't comment.

this is not an apology. for anything i've said here. and... you know what? i read other blogs, and i comment on them. some of those folks i know in real life. and i don't type anything i wouldn't say to their face. further, i don't try to turn the conversation around to me. if i have something i need to tell them about me, i call them. i email. i go talk to them in person.

argh.

so, yeah. if you read le comments, you know this came up recently. i haven't told anyone to NOT comment. but, apparently, i have to do yet another disclaimer. look - i'm kind of a bitch. you should all know that. i try to be a caring person, but... well. this is rather difficult to say. basically... don't comment unless you're prepared for a response.

that's all i got at the moment. snippy observations coming up in the next post!

while you're sleeping... i'm twitching

noreply@blogspirit.com (bladwin) — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 02:45:00 -0700

so, while not a natural at the spinning of yarn, i did get a little better at it wednesday. the wheel is in my room, and the cat is not thrilled. and while it's kinda fun, i will not become addicted to this particular craft. i will take pictures, because whenever i tell someone that i'm learning to spin, they either give me a blank look or change the subject. like it's code for, "i'm learning how to wear my intestines on the outside." people, we all have to start somewhere.

oh, and i've been watching dead like me. that link is pretty awesome - it appears you can watch some of the episodes right there. nice. i have the whole first season on loan from the library - where else? as three of you know, i don't really get into a lot of telly watching. i mean, yeah - i'll watch mythbusters or no reservations if i'm home and just knitting or something. but in general, i don't veg in front of the tube. so, getting an entire season of a show that someone else i know really likes is kinda nice. i don't have to worry about knowing when it's on or anything.

and i finished oryx and crake, by margaret atwood. i'm pretty sure i didn't tell anyone i was reading it. but dudes, it's a good book. a bit creepy. but well-written. and it makes me leery of taking my vitamins. next up is moral disorder, i think. maybe the seven daughters of eve. i haven't decided.

and now i'm going to turn a heel on a sock. and eat some cup o' noodles. well... just the noodles, not the cup. i know - i lead a truly exciting life.

thanks for stopping by.

how to walk away

noreply@blogspirit.com (bladwin) — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 02:20:00 -0700

not talking about the crush here. just to clarify.

and... i'm not going to divulge other people's secrets or anything. so let's just say YMCrae and i were talking about jerks in our pasts. she asked me how i was able to walk away from 'that jerk'. which, realistically, could be any of the guys i've dated in the last 10 years.

with the savage, it was cut and dry. the po-po took him away in handcuffs after he threatened me with a knife and i beat him with a bat, and... well. i saw my chance and took it. now, i'm sure i've said this before, and i've probably said it recently, but it bears repeating - no one expects to be a statistic. i never thought i'd be an abused woman. ever. it doesn't fit with everything else i think i know about myself. but there it is. and because i never thought i'd be that person, i was totally unprepared for being that person. does that make sense? it's like... you don't expect to find yourself at an orgy. so, when the orgy happens around you, you aren't expecting it. meaning, you wore the ugly underwear, or you didn't shave. something.

i went through three years of waiting to be killed. and the fourth year, i think i got tired of waiting. i had the cancer, and i was pretty sure i was gonna die either way. so, i started fighting back. he was arrested december 31, 1999. i was in hiding by march of 2000. great way to start the new millenium, i tell you's. but my point is, i walked when he wasn't around to pull me back. which is cowardly, i admit. but it's the best i could do. and then, when he wouldn't leave me alone, i ran to another state. which is also cowardly. but again, it's the best i could do.

the dirt bike dingo was... a weird little sideroad in my life. he wasn't cruel, but he wasn't kind either. it was casual attention when i needed it most. i just wanted him to talk. and i got tired of waiting.

the ex-mister was a different horse altogether. while he never hit me, he sure did his best to make me feel sub-human. he told me what he thought i needed to hear in order to stay. and then he would go out and make himself a liar.

typing those little sentences took a long time. i keep thinking about all the things we did and said to each other. i'm not completely blameless; i know that. but i'm not the person... well, never mind that. i've left a lot out, obviously, largely because i'm still a bit embarrassed to admit that i was duped, completely and utterly. he fed me a line or three, and i fell for it all.

the official story there is, i moved out because he wasn't paying his half of the bills, and i was resentful. he wasn't doing anything. he had stopped working, he'd dropped out of school. all he was doing was drinking, using my bank account, and going to online chat rooms. we were technically still together for a few more months after i moved out, but i just got tired of all his crap. again, i'm going to leave a lot out. i'm so embarrassed that i still did his laundry a few times, and still fed him. like i was his mommy or something. so, it was more of a lingering death. and the more i think about all this, the more i'm aware that i'm still totally upset about him. and how stupid he made me feel. he would say, i'm not making you feel that way, you can't blame that on me, you choose to feel that way. sure. and i choose to bail on your ass, too. good luck living on the streets.

which is totally mean, and i'm going to hell. we know this.

my point in this long, rambling, and not-funny post is - it's really hard to walk away from anyone or anything you feel invested in. a job, a relationship of any kind, a committment. you can't stand your insane roommate, but you don't want to leave them stranded, so you give them as much notice as possible. you leave your boy- or girlfriend in stages. you make someone hate you, so leaving is easier. you might be terrified to be alone, so you hang on to the horror that is. because the horror of what could be scares you more.

i'm not here to judge. i want the best for all of you. i need y'all to know that. and i know at least two of you feel the same way about me.

so, why do we do this to ourselves? we know that putting our hand into the flame will get us burned, and yet we still do it. are we stupid? no. we're hopeful, or at least i am. i know damn well that fire burns. but i also know that fire will keep me warm on cold and endless nights. and i do like to be warm. i like that feeling of, someone likes me enough to sit here and listen to my pointless rambling. because, as you know, it can often be pointless. sometimes, i find the main thread purely by accident. i have been known to get lost in bathrooms, on occasion. while i'm smart, i'm not perfect.

um... anyway. that fire. it burns. put your hand in; it's okay. you're totally going to screw it up. or maybe, you'll find that part that feels good, and you can leave your hand in forever. but if it hurts, take it out. i'm not far away - i can help bandage it. we spend so much of our lives being alone... when we aren't really alone. you're not alone. i'm right here. and i don't want you to be hurt. any of you.

thanks for listening.

nothing is worse than rejection

noreply@blogspirit.com (bladwin) — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 23:30:00 -0700

i mean that literally.

before i start, please be aware - i have acted like a social retard. i kinda got what i deserved, for reasons i'll explain in a moment. but first, let's have the facts.

so, sunday night, i sent the crush an email. saying, hey, it was cool to run into you saturday, we should do it again soon, maybe coffee thursday or friday? that's not quite verbatim, but that is the gist of what i said. after running it by two resident males - aka the birdman (moi's husband, who was nice enough to be involved in a peripheral manner) and cecil - i hit 'send'. both resident males said, if they got this email from a girl they saw around town from time to time, they would totally answer. that was my primary concern. i really wanted an answer. yes or no, i felt i could take it.

here it is, wednesday night, and no response.

now, let me clarify, because cecil kind of got in my face about this earlier. i wasn't asking for a date, per se. i was looking for a... well. a chance to get to know him better. see, i run into him here and there. and usually, there are loads of other people around, most of whom want a piece of his time. and i'm such the doormouse, i feel weird taking up his time. does that makes sense? maybe if i say... i've minimized myself so much in my own life, that i automatically assume other people will minimize me before they even know me. which makes me come off like a whipped dog sometimes.

anyway... i rather like what i do know about him, and i just want to know more. because largely, while i am attracted to him physically, that's not enough for me. i require more input, to quote short circuit. and i don't have the balls to stride right up to him and #1 - ask him to coffee, and #2 - start asking him random questions. it just wouldn't work for me. and i think it would truly terrify him. if roles were switched... wait. i've been in that position, and it did creep me out. so that's a no go.

jesus. did i just quote a steve guttenberg flick? yup. still a dork.

so, i have not gotten any response, as i said before. which could mean a lot of things. maybe he doesn't read his email. maybe he doesn't read email with my name on it. maybe he's completely embarrassed by me asking him to coffee via the interwebs. maybe he's freaked out by the idea of sitting at a table with someone he barely knows. maybe he's an asshole, and i was right all along. maybe his date on saturday night went well, and he really just doesn't want to respond. oh yeah - that's the other reason i felt unable to approach him saturday. i think he was with someone.

now, i said eariler that i got what i deserved. and this is kinda true. i mean, if i can't grow the balls to ask someone, to their face, to spend a little of their time with me, then do i really deserve their time to begin with? maybe, maybe not.

right now, i feel like he's an asshole, and i'm a social mutant. possibly both or neither are accurate.

here's my plan for now - i'm just going to leave him alone. obviously, there's something about him that makes my guts go gooey. i can't change that. but, i can get a little confidence, maybe. i have no idea how to do that. as the four or five regualr readers know, i've had the confidence beaten and squeezed out of me, so we'll see how that goes. will i say 'hi' if i run into him? um... i should, because i don't want to be rude. but, he's being rude to me, so why bother? i'll smile, but he'll get no hugs from me for awhile.

anyway, if you've got a little love to spare, slap it on down. i could use it, i tell you what. thanks, as always, for stopping by. i would totally respond to your email.

screw all that

noreply@blogspirit.com (bladwin) — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 02:40:00 -0700

so... have you ever been screwing around in your car? i don't mean fornicating, for pete's sake. but maybe reaching under the seats to make sure there's nothing under there - except maybe four cups you kinda forgot were in your car to begin with? i don't do this while driving, mind you. but, i was messing about in my car, and i found this tape. yeah, i still have a tape player in my car. shush. the cd player's in the trunk. anyway, this tape. it's so old, the writing on the cover is bleached out. it's a mix tape. i can barely see the loops of the handwriting that used to be there. but i know who gave it to me.

way back in 1999, i lived in seattle, washington. at the end of the year, i would beat the snot out of the savage with a baseball bat after he came at me with a knife. but around the middle of the year, i was really good friends with three women. one of them was kim hojaboom. i think that was her last name. it was something like that. anyway, we seemed to hang out a lot, and we liked a lot of the same music and stuff. the mix tape was from her.

now, the tape is full of music that was cool in seattle in 1999. i stuck it in the tape player, where it's been for the last few days. some of it, i still kinda like. some of it, i forgot i ever liked. and still more of it, i can't figure out why i liked it to begin with. it's still in the tape player because i keep forgetting to put new cd's in the trunk.

alas.

you know, people are kind of the same way. say you run into someone you used to be real close with. and you talk, because this person has history with you. soon, you start thinking about the person you were when you knew this person, and how different you are now. or maybe not. maybe you're still in the same space, and you reconnect with an old friend. that's great. i mean it. but... well. the person i was when i moved to portland is not the person i am today. sure, some of the same elements are here. i'm still a short female with this attitude. well, some of the time i have the attitude. but i listen to more jazz and blues than i did six or whatever years ago. i wear more tennis shoes. i know how to coordinate an outfit, usually. i - god help me - carry a purse now. and i knit. my cat's fatter, and i'm about the same. meaning, i gained a bunch of weight and then lost it. hope it fell behind the sofa, because i'll never find it there. i still wear the same turtle necklace. that people have been asking me about more and more.

i'm not really a turtle person. i mean, i had one when i was a kid. i named him spuds mackenzie, because i was real original. he pooped in the house once. turtles are weird-looking. their necks especially. but, after i beat the snot out of the savage and he started stalking me in a creepy, moving-furniture-about-while-i-was-at-work kind of way, i moved back to california. where i hid out for about a year. i was, essentially, a turtle hiding in its shell. seriously, i don't think anyone that knows me now would recognize me then. i mean, it's not like i'm physically altered. it has more to do with how i carry myself. YMCrae said saturday night that i have pretty good posture. back then, i slouched in an effort to make myself even smaller. i wouldn't make eye contact, and for sure not with men. any one of them could smell the victim in me, and drag me back to their cave to beat me up some more. i actually had this horrible joke going with my friend henry. i knew him back in high school, and he needed a roommate about the same time i needed to hide. i was pretty sure that the abusers of the world had some kind of crazy hotline going. when an abused spouse or child got away, all the bad men knew about it. like an amber alert. and one of them would find me and finish the job the savage couldn't.

someone asked me recently why i stayed with him for four years, because i don't seem like the kind of person that would stand for that. the truth is, he said he'd kill me if i left. he would hunt me down, and kill me. six-plus years later, i'm still alive.

back to the turtle. i wear this necklace every day. i take it off only at the gym. it reminds me that it's okay to hide sometimes. but i can't live inside my head forever, just like the turtle can't live balled up in his shell forever. we both have to come out, to check out the world at the very least. if it's safe, we can stay out longer. i keep it on all the time because i'm at risk for living inside my shell, or inside my head. and that's not healthy.

i say this because i've noticed i'm becoming more bold. there are times when i totally don't trust myself, and that's just how it is. we were driving saturday night, and a drunk guy was crossing the street, against the light, not in the crosswalk. i had to slow to a stop to let him pass, and i made some really loud obnoxious statement out my open window. i heard the guy coming running up to the car, and i heard YMCrae's mild panic, but i sat there and did nothing until he grabbed me. i turned the car down another street, and we kept going.

yeah, some random guy grabbed me with the intention, i think, of pulling me out of the car and beating me. just like i used to fear. and... i felt nothing. seriously. i get more of a jolt after talking to the crush, yo.

so, maybe yelling at crazy drunks is not okay. but, neither is living like a scared little turtle inside my head. and that mix tape reminds me that outside of my head, people do kinda love me. even if they choose songs that are stupid to tell me. it's the thought that counts. screw the rest of it.

thanks for stopping by.

smooth move, ex-lax

noreply@blogspirit.com (bladwin) — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 01:35:00 -0700

hm.

so, thursday? my doctor appointment got cancelled. i called in a favor, and got my drugs refilled. and i have to make an appointment with my real doctor when she comes back from vacation. who knew that doctors get free time? oh, and my appointment was cancelled because the doctor called in sick. i don't know why i think this is funny, but i do.

i did do something bad. after i stopped for coffee, i drove over to one of my favorite yarn shops in sellwood. and they had some yarn that i needed. okay, not really. but... the aged lush i work with gave me a bunch of converse a while back. they don't give her enough support, so she can't wear them. i got four pairs of barely-worn shoes for nothing. so, i thought it would be nice if i made her a pair of socks. now, she's a huge green bay packers fan. and my yarn shop there carries crazy sock yarn, including a few lines that are dyed in the school colors of local colleges. like the university of oregon. who just happen to have the same colors as the packers. and... uh... they had a some laceweight yarn for cheap. and i didn't need it, but dude... over 1300 yards for 15 bucks? that's like... um... more than 87 yards per dollar. and it was in black. i'm sure i need some black lace.

suddenly, i'm an italian widow. who knew?

thursday night, i went to dante's and had a fabulous time. and, i had a bajillion texts from moi, telling me to ask the crush to coffee. and... i'm a bit of a tool. i shoulda, because it was a good opportunity. but i couldn't do it. i could barely say hi to him. because, yeah... he was there. i wasn't there for him, and that's not really a joke. i do love me some casey neill. and some whisky.

and some walking twenty or so blocks back to my car, because i parked close to powell's to look for a book. i may have been sweaty and shiny.

i do have pictures. some of which i will share with you's. but... well, you know. just not today.

friday, i got duped by pretty people. see, YMCrae and i went for pedicures. because she'd had a lousy week, and having someone tool around with your feet will always make you feel better. and... well. it appears i'm sensitive about my eyebrows. so, when i sat down in the pedicure chair, the reception girl asks me, you're getting your eyebrows done, right? i said i wasn't planning on it, but did it look like i needed it? she said yes. so, yeah. it was a total upsell thing, which is kind of embarrassing. but, i'm susceptible to that sort of thing, so after my toes were pretty, i followed the woman into the wax room, where she did very subtle and nice things to my face. as she applied the wax, i thought, this right here is how people become high-maintenance.

and then she ripped it off.

oh! friday morning, after waiting for only 20 minutes, i had my dentist appointment. and i quite like my new tooth. no holes, it's purty, it chews quite well. usually, i have to wait 30 minutes or more to see my dentist. and it's no good showing up late. they just make you wait longer. and apparently, i don;t get my teeth cleaned this year. the lady says i'm due for a cleaning, and she only does it on tuesdays and thursdays. and even though i don't know if school is a certainty, i'm planning like it is. which means no appointments on tuesdays or thursdays. and rather than refer me to another clinic - they have, like, eleventeen - she says, well, that's all we can do. so, i'm going to call tomorrow and go to another clinic. the jerks.

i kinda finished serrano. and i realized - i started this cardigan when i was blondish-brunette. now, i have dark red hair. which, by the way, was supposed to be temporary, and rinse out after 28 or so shampoos. it's been 28 by now, i'm sure. and very little fading has happened. i have roots. i have problems. anyway, my hair is red. the cardigan is red. i could have a problem. anyway, i finished the knitting part of the cardigan. now i just have to sew the bits together. and i can't sew very well. so, that should be fun.

i also meant to take my glasses to the place i bought them, to have them adjusted. because, when i put them on, they're way crooked. but i kinda forgot. i hope to get it done this week.

and... well, i've just been having a good time. i really like having three days off. i think maybe i'm a closeted lazy ass. i know what you're thinking. what do you mean, closeted? you hardly posted last week! yeah, but i got a lot of laundry done. although, i have neglected to buy cat little. and my cat has... um... some stink to her innards. i should write that down. buy more freaking litter.

uh, i'm going to stop there. thanks for coming over.

just the light in my veins

noreply@blogspirit.com (bladwin) — Sat, 14 Jul 2007 11:35:00 -0700

(NOTE: this may be depressing, and for that i am a little sorry. while i am not really depressed at the moment, i am... conflicted. i know y'all come here for humor, but i'm not always funny.)

it's saturday morning, and i'm knitting a sock. well, i was before i picked up the computer. i was sitting here, thinking. i'm not sure that i could call myself depressed at the moment, i'm certainy not a ray of golden sunshine. like anyone else on the planet, i have the good days and the bad. and i don't know if i'm the only one that does this, but i tend to give myself a complex by over-analzing every damn thing. like..

... i really should have said something to the crush last night when i saw him. i was happy enough to have him wave at me. i'm such a silly girl. i mean, really now. he smiles and waves, and i feel like the queen of everything. maybe i'll see him tonight, and i can apologize.

... that girl last night, giving me a look that clearly stated i wish you would die. am i a threat to her? was she there with the crush, and she disliked that we had an eye-contact moment (that probably meant more to me than it did to him)? does it really matter? i've never looked at a stranger with as much hatred as she had for me.

... while i was totally happy to make up for other slightly rude behavior by introducing myself to someone i meant to introduce myself to on thursday (are you keeping up with me here?) (and, am i on some kind of rude streak?), i did have to wonder. she said she was glad to finally meet me. and i was glad to meet her, and i think that maybe this person and i could be friends, because i think we have stuff in common. but... why was she glad to meet me? does she read this? in which case - hi! i'm happy to know you! ahem. do i have a presence i'm not aware of? or is she simply being polite? i bet she was being polite. it stayed in my head for a few hours after. and, i was so distracted i didn't introduce YMCrae at all. see? it's a rude streak. a rude and stupid streak.

... i'm terrified that i'll have to change my anti-anxiety medication. what i take now, i take in a very small dose. and i've had two minor panic attacks this week. i took a little more than a regular dose before going out friday, because i kinda knew i was just asking for an episode, and it sedated me so much i wanted to put my head down on the table. which does not make a good impression. i just don't want to be a pill popper. i mean no offense if you are a pill popper. i'm just not very good with pills, is all.

... i was having a near-invincible day early friday, so i decided to do something that normally deflates me. i used to be quite the fatass - shush, it's true - and i worry about my weight. yes, partly because i do want to be physically nice to look at. but also because too much weight on my skeleton can make my scoliosis worse. the heavier i am, the harder it is for me to be as physical as i'd like to be. i know i mentioned a few posts back that i'd lost a fair few inches, and i'd be okay if they didn't keep in touch, you know? anyway, in a fit of optimism, i tried on this skirt that hasn't fit in over a year. i think that's odd, how we women, in general, will hang on to items of clothing we can't wear, with the hope that we will be able to wear them again. it's a little freakish, but we all do it. and if you say you don't, i'm gonna have to declare you a liar and a fat-mouth. anyway, i take out the skirt - i couldn't even get it zipped up in january of this year - and put it on, it fits. i love this skirt. it's very pretty. and it fits. i don't mind telling you, it's a size medium. and it's just the smallest bit loose. it fits it fits. and i go out to the kitchen, z takes one look at me and asks if i'm going to the sandy festival. which is her way of saying, you look like white trash. and i know i don't, but it really hurt. this woman, that i used to call my best friend, and who was probably a bit drunk, is able to destroy what little self-worth i have with one sentence. and i have to thank YMCrae for saying what she said - f*ck her, you look great. i love YMCrae.

...obviously, my living situation is not optimal. at least i can comfort myself by telling myself i won't be here that much longer. i can't stand being minimized in such a way. and being torn down when i kinda need a nice word or two. the best case scenario - i go to school in the fall, i finish in february, and i can get my own place again. worst case scenario - i don't get into school, i look for a job that's not graveyard, and i get my own place. i'm not a co-dependent person, and should stop acting like one.

... i think i may have mentioned this before. i figured out a while ago that one of the reasons i continue to work at night is because i lack confidence. i mean, yes. i make more money at night, i'm an insomniac so it's convienient, it kinda works for school. blah blah blah. the truth is, working such a weird shift gives me an excuse to not go out much. and not meet people. and not live my life. i have such a fear that i'm going to just screw up all over again that it's almost easier to minimize myself. to try to make myself invisible. but, i've developed a bit of confidence. i may have found it behind the sofa, who knows. but i'm starting to get angry at myself. for trying to make myself invisible. in a way, i have become my own worse enemy.

and now, i have a sock to finsih, i may not know who y'all are, but i appreciate you being you. thanks for stopping by.

assorted nonsense... and dork upgrades!

noreply@blogspirit.com (bladwin) — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 03:20:00 -0700

i saw the transformers movie, without a pocket protector. and i liked it. i liked it so very much, i may have smooched cecil in a public way, on the way out of the theater. he hates the public smoochings. anyway, it was so very badass. i was just in awe of the CGI they got out there in the hollywood. seriously. the acting was a load of crap, and i kinda wanted most of the actors to "accidentally" get stepped on. well, except for that one army guy. the main one. he was rather cute. but dude - i'm all for spending someone else's money to watch robots turn into planes and cars. serioulsy.

but that was saturday. today is thursday. just for reference. and i'm doing cool stuff for the next few days - i hope - but i can't talk about any of it til after the fact. largely because i still kinda have the creepiest stalker ever, and i'd like to not run into it this weekend. my stalker is different from me stalking the crush. i try to take his feelings into consideration, and i try to be cute. my stalker is neither.

er... friday? did i not talk about friday? jesus, what kind of attention whore am i? a lazy one, it appears. so, friday! got yet another pedicure - i bet y'all can guess what sort of action my toes are wearing, since i always get the exact same thing - and went to the blues festival. where i took a few pictures, and all but this one turned out to be total crap:

that would be some random guy dressed as jimi hendrix. serious. i don't think he's employed by the festival putter-oners. i think he just shows up dressed like this. YMCrae, who was also in attendance, said all the dude wants is to have his picture taken. and, i couldn't bring myself to take a picture while he was looking at me. there was a lot of the pot being smoked (i know this because people do not dance that way unless they are chemically altered), we had pizza, i got pesto on my shorts... uh, i wore shorts in public for the first time in a long time. not counting hawaii, because, um... it doesn't count. and i think i looked rather cute, with the shorts. i figured out a few days ago that i've dropped a few inches off my waist and hips in the last few months, so its makde me a bit more daring in terms of what i wear. but man, it's been rather hot around here. i know i'm just a big crybaby about heat and all, but come on - i moved to this part of the country because it's colder than the southern half.

maybe i should consider a move to alaska.

guess what i can't stop laughing at?

i don't know why this is so funny to me. i mean, it's this rock in some guys driveway. painted like a gnome. i had my camera because i was on my way to this nature trail near my house, and i really wanted some pictures of wild bunnies. as you do. and while i saw no wild bunnies (i bet it's too hot for the poor buggers), i did take a few pictures of the mossy gnome. and yeah, he's blurry. this was before i figured out how to use the macro function on my camera.

when i did figure out the macro, it was to take pictures of these:

for those of you not in the know, those are gnome stitch markers. i got them at etsy, which is another form of online crafty crack. it's a great site, where you can buy other people's handmade goodies. these are from designs by tami. and? and? and, she has stitch markers that are bunnies. you know i'm buying some of them bitches.

y'all do not know how happy these made me. i was in the middle of buying them, and having an IM chat with moi. she was... uh... angered. yeah, angered is a good phrase there. and while she's venting, i'm giggling and clicking on the last of the gnomes. and trying to be a concerned friend. yeah - she knows about my gnomes. she was okay with it. oh, and the green thingy they're marking? YMCrae's other glovelet. which is now done. about six months late, but whatever.

oh! i found people that will teach me how to make yarn! i'm signed up for a class! this is going to be so damn cool!

i am the dork of all dorks!

and this... i love this:

every time i see that - it's part of a playground near my house - i want to do that thing. some of you know what thing i mean. "engine, engine number nine, rolling down the jersey line. if the train falls off the track, pick it up, pick it up PICK IT UP PICK IT UP!" er, it's part of a black sheep song. it's one of those rap things.

this

is just a random seahorse.

and i know i said there would be no pictures of the frankentooth.

what i shoulda said was, there will not be pictures of the inside of my mouth. we don't have that kind of relationship, you and i. but this is the half of the frankentooth that i didn't swallow. totally gross.

finally, i know some of you just show up to oogle my cat. actually, as i proved earlier this week, some of you show up for elephant porn. of which i have none. but i do have this.

we have a rule. she stays off my contoured pillow - the caddy of pillows, as far as i'm concerned - and... well, she's supposed to stay off that pillow. i did not pose her like that. and yes - i really do own gnome sheets. i may have a problem.

this is her penance. having a picture posted of her that makes her look like a fuzzy beached whale. thanks for stopping by.

how to wreck a weekend

noreply@blogspirit.com (bladwin) — Sun, 01 Jul 2007 23:35:00 -0700

first, thank you to the 1400 folks that showed up here last month. i'd send y'all cookies, but only, like, 7 of you actually leave commets.

and, may i say? the nutjobs that are googling things like 'undies poop', 'orgasm then die movies', and, er, 'elephant sex' and showing up here? get a different hobby. one that doesn't involve porn, poop, or elephants getting it on.

please and thank you. jesus, people.

now... i had semi big plans for my weekend. none of which happened, for reasons i'm about to get into. but first, if you knit - and at least two of you do, i'm pretty sure - go check out ravelry. it's still in the testing stages, but i'm over there, too. although i have yet to upload the cool stuff, like pictures and screw-ups. but anyway... check it out if you're into that sort of thing.

anyway!

so, friday night i got sorta ditched by YMCrae. which is fine - i had a show to see. a lovely show, with three awesome bands. i didn't even care that i'd pretty much be on my own. actually... i had a choice. option #1 was the three awesome bands, two of which i've never actually seen live. option #2 was the really cool musician guy i've seen before, with the added bonus of a possible crush sighting. i went with #1, because i've seen #2 before. and given what happened, it's just as well. so, i park in the downtown area, and i'm walking up the street to the venue. i feel kinda dizzy, and i stop to... just breathe, i guess. and then - i puked like a drunken coed. seriously - i do NOT puke in public. and there i was, unloading my guts in a parking garage entrance. before anyone asks, i had not been drinking. i don't ever drink enough to get to this point. when i finally stop heaving, i notice my hands are shaking, and i feel like i'm having a heart attack. and then i think - did i take my anti-anxiety drugs? i couldn't remember. yes, i've had panic attacks that cause vomiting. hence the drugs. and given that i now had puke breath, i was so not going to this show. and i was kinda thrilled i had decided against option #2, because i coulda been trying to talk to the crush and vomited on him. i hear some guys are into that sort of thing, but... well, i don't want to know people like that. or at least, know that sort of thing about them.

so, i went home, rinsed out my mouth, and noticed there was an extra kidlet jumping about the living room. apparently, the midgeter was dropped off while i was gone. i said hi, good to see you, i feel terrible, please no jumping on me at any hour. i went to bed, and was asleep by midnight. because that's how cool i am.

saturday morning, i got up waaay to early to go to the dentist. a few years ago, i had two fillings done by this crazy russian bastard. he was vicious. he cracked one of my teeth, and i haven't been able to chew on that side of my mouth since then. my regular dentist finally noticed the crack, and after trying all other options, told me i had to get the damn thing capped.

so, they took an impression, filed my tooth to a nub, and slapped a temporary cap on it. that's the short version. the long version involves enough novocaine to numb a horse and an inept dental assistant. she was either a student or brand new at her job. the dentist would ask her to do something, and she would say she had never done that before. which does not instill confidence. she couldn't take an impression to save her life. i mean - i took the thing from her and did it myself. then the dentist told her because my jaw is so screwed up (yet another perk of having your head mistaken for a punching bag), they have to use this other tool. that apparently required the assistant to push on my jaw with serious brute force. that joint still hurts.

after shooting my gums with novocaine no less than six times, they lay waste to my little tooth. then the dentist leaves to let the assistant put on the temporary. which is when she says again she's never done this before, and gets another person to help. there's this big hole on the tongue-side of my cap, and it's really rough. i showed it to cecil, and he thinks it's supposed to be there, to make it easier to remove the temporary.

and the novocaine. i couldn't feel most of the right side of my head for about four hours. even my scalp was numb. that can't be right. and when i tried to eat a soft little burrito six hours later? i cried, it hurt so much. i'm not a wimp, but that sucked. i've been calling it my frankentooth. i cancelled my plans for the evening, took some tylenol pm, and went to bed. at around two in the afternoon.

sunday morning, i go out for a walk, and i can feel every step in the frankentooth. it's still kinda hurting. my favorite thing to do now? lay on the right side. that way, the frankentooth is pressed into the foam pillow. and i can't feel it.

so, to recap - i puked, and got worked over by the dentist. thanks for stopping by. brush and floss, yo.